Tomorrow will make it five years since I broke up with my first boyfriend. Well, since he broke up with me. He was a great many firsts, actually, and I think that's what made the ending of our relationship so tough on me. And it wasn't that he cheated on me (he's actually the only guy who hasn't, to my knowledge) or anything like that. He just didn't want to be with me.
I really did think it was the worst thing in the world. It was a Sunday...Super Bowl Sunday, actually. I went to his parents' house to watch the game, and he took me down to his basement bedroom, sat me on the bed and told me in his roundabout way that we had reached our expiration date. I stormed out of the house, slammed the door, and when he followed me to my car I had to ask because he couldn't just SAY IT. "Are we breaking up?" Yes, we were. And I didn't cry until I was safe in the car and he was walking back into the house. I didn't stop crying until about 4am. That was the only time I cried over it, but I didn't really feel better for a good 3 months. I'll never forget that feeling that something was missing and I'd never replace it. I'll never forget the morning I woke up feeling like I was okay. Nor will I forget my dad telling me that this was nothing. I was just getting started.
And he was SO RIGHT. But there's something about a first broken heart that is so very key. Once you surive that, at any age, you just inherently know that next time, it will hurt, and it will suck, but it WILL GET BETTER. Broken hearts beat, just the same, and life goes on.
Not sure why I thought of that. I guess it's because I still manage to be hurt and even hurt others, all the time. And it doesn't hurt any less when you start feeling like something is missing. But you know it won't last forever, and sometimes that's enough. I ran into my first boyfriend about a year ago. He was my cashier at the Taco Bell drive thru. And I smiled thinking about how he had once brought my entire world crashing down on me, and almost thanked him. It was not my worst broken heart, there have been far worse since then, but he made every last one a little easier to take. And yes, I would like hot sauce with that.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
2 weeks ago