New Kids on the Block, had a bunch of hits...

I was driving to the gym tonight, and somewhere, out of nowhere, in my car, I smelled a barbecue (barbeque? BBQ?). Like, old-fashioned, charcoal barbecue. It was dark, raining, and a whopping 47 degrees out, but in my car, it was summertime.


Cue LFO's "Summer Girls" here...Shut up, you know you like it too. And, R.I.P. Rich Cronin.


Perhaps it's the absence of vitamin D, or the fact that whatever I do, I am ALWAYS cold, but I am longing for summer. Not just the sunny weather...just that feeling of nowhere to be and all day to get your butt there...and all night, should you choose.

Sure, this isn't actually the case for me anymore. I have somewhere to be 5 days a week, all summer long. I can't ACTUALLY stay out all night, barefoot in the grass, forgoing a jacket, a diet of anything but Dr. Pepper, Subway, and Taco Bell, and sleep. Those things had their place in my life, and it was called 2004. My metabolism and bank account can no longer sustain such a lifestyle. But still, the feeling remains, when the days stretch out, and the sun lingers enough to remind you, "Hey, we're not done yet! Stay awake, stay moving, stay laughing, stay LIVING!" There really is a certain magic, a certain freedom, that comes with summer. Real life can never quite steal it.

I like that.

And so, a parting gift for now, as the countdown begins (6 months, 10 days, and counting...)



(you're welcome)

Minutiae.

Yep, definitely just spell-checked "minutiae".

Because, at the moment, it's really all I have to talk about. Which is a good thing, I guess.

I'm finding my attempts at getting in shape a bit half-assed, as of late. Yes, excessive sickness has not been a huge help, but as of now there is nothing really holding me back. I did make it to yoga yesterday. I loved it. The studio I went to believes in "warm" yoga--that is, a room kept at 87 degrees fahrenheit. I've done some hot yoga in the past. Here are some of the differences I noted, yesterday:

- I did not involuntarily curse upon entering the room.
- A pool of sweat did not collect on my mat/towel.
- No one sweat on me.
- I never once felt like I was going to vomit, pass out, or die.
- I didn't spend half the class lying on the mat, wishing desperately for it to end, all the while wondering why it has to be SO DAMN HOT.


In other words, I actually got to DO the poses, for the entire class, rather than attempting them and then giving up because it was too hot/sweaty/slippery/terrible.

So we'll call that a win. I literally JUST stepped off my treadmill, after 3 minutes or so. Note: My treadmill faces a wall. No TV, no changing scenery, no people watching. I found it a bit insufferable. Obviously. Here's where I start to frustrate myself...shouldn't I want it badly enough to stare at a wall for 40 measly minutes? Then again, if I'm hoping to stick with any sort of workout regimen, shouldn't there be some aspect of enjoyment to the whole thing?

Anyway, in other news, as those of you who are friends with me on Facebook may have noticed, I'm trying to complain less, in general. (My last post excluded, apparently?) Truth be told, I have way too much to be thankful for, blessings beyond what anyone deserves. My focus should always, ALWAYS be on those things. Perhaps you, dear readers, can help stick to this little endeavor. Call me out on my whining, please!

Unless really bad things happen, of course. I get a free pass for those.

2012, so far....

...Has been, frustrating.


Frustrating in that of the 3 weeks of the year, I've been healthy for approximately 1 of them. I'm supposed to be running another 5K on February 11, and a 4 mile-ish dash on St. Patty's day. Total successful 3 mile plus runs, on a treadmill no less, so far this year? One.

A slight rewind...Traveled back to Michigan with my love for Christmas. Had a wonderful time, but pretty much every last person in the family (and not in the family, in my case) got sick. Like, real sick. And somewhere between not enough sleep and definitely not enough exercise, I managed to get sick again this week, in time for a snowstorm (By Seattle standards. Don't hate, east coast/midwest. We know we're pathetic wimps)So, two more sick days burned and still unable to retrieve my car from my boyfriend's house, where it's been for a week.

Frustrating. Goals, goals, goals to accomplish...things I want to happen, things I can't just WILL to happen, things I have no say in and things I can't control. All of these present in my life right now.

There are some things, perhaps many things, I DO have control over. But so many more I don't...Does anyone else have any trouble deciphering between the battles we can fight, and the ones that are simply not in our hands?


..........




...............


"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14


.......................


Oh, right. How easily I forget. There isn't a battle, ever, I'm meant to fight alone. Not my job, my weight, my relationship, my health, the weather.

How much worry, stress, sadness, and fear could I avoid if I remembered that? That there is a plan and design bigger than mine?

Thank God. Breakfast tomorrow is beyond the scope of my planning capability right now, so I'm glad He has the rest taken care of.

Just be still.


Except, you know, when I finally get back to the gym.

(First) 5K!

Well, there is good news, and there is bad news. The good news is, I finished the 5K, and just as I planned, I didn’t stop and (clearly) didn’t die.

The bad news is, I didn’t finish in 24 minutes, nor did I immediately drop 30 pounds upon completion of the race.

They don’t tell you that when you register.
Seriously though, it was a fun day and a legitimate accomplishment for She Who Does Not Run. My friends and I arrived and parked, toting our coffee and lamenting not wearing cuter outfits. I registered, and then realized that I would have to run with my phone, credit card, car key, etc. Turns out these things take some planning. We waited in line for the bathroom for about 6 years, missing our initial start time, necessitating starting with the “walkers and joggers”.

The run started out at a slight uphill incline, but it was tolerable. I feel like I spent much of my energy dodging those walkers. As the course continued, and I spotted the “1 mile” sign, I nearly laughed. I was certain it had been at least 2 at that point. Somewhere between miles 2 and 3, I got tired. And somewhere else between miles 2 and 3, came a hill. I came, truly, THIS close to slowing to a walk.

Instead, I found myself in prayer. A prayer of gratitude for a body that allows me to walk, let alone run, and a prayer that my own fears, failures (fear of failure, really) and the voice that tells me it’s okay to stop, wouldn’t win this time. Truly, the finish line would not have been as sweet had I not crossed it with a keen awareness of what I can do, and who it is that allows me to do it. I finished in 31 minutes, 14 seconds. No 8 minute miles, but no giving up. You would’ve thought I’d run a marathon, and as completely ridiculous as it sounds, in that moment I was sure I could.

As with any goals, when the fun is over and you get peanut butter on your hard-earned t-shirt (yes, it happened) I found my motivation lacking. Once a milestone was completed, I lost sight of the long term goal.

So often, it seems, this happens in life, as well. In the minutiae of the everyday stuff and things I get so caught up in. I lose sight of the purpose to which I’ve been called, and grow discouraged and doubt that I can ever accomplish anything beyond getting through the day without accidentally setting any buildings on fire or causing some other catastrophe. So often I choose to slow to a walk, rather than continuing to run, believing in the voice that tells me, “You can do this. You can do this because I made you to do this, and I am right here with you. “
Some words of inspiration on the topic:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3:12-14.

I love it. Specifically, forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead. There is so much ahead, I hope. So much I haven’t planned for or even considered.
But first, my next 5K. Saturday, February 11, 2012. I’ll definitely remember to pee before leaving the house, this time.

Yes, you can.

I've always rejected being TOLD that I can't do something.

In fact, usually, being told I couldn't (or wouldn't) do something has generally led me to do that very thing. In the motivational way, not in the rebellious teenager sense. Other people's lack of faith in me really seems to light a fire under my ass.

I'm sorry. I really do prefer "ass" to "butt", or "rear end." It just seems more effective.


Anyway. It occurred to me recently that while other people's lack of confidence in me inspires me to change THEIR minds, MY lack of confidence in me inspires, well...a further depletion of confidence.

And then it occured to me that this is simply no way to go about the business of life. Waiting for someone to doubt you so that you can prove them wrong. Setting goals for the sake of pleasing/impressing/surprising/giving the middle finger to OTHER people. To change for someone else, or to set out to achieve for anyone's approval but yours and God's is similar to the result you see when you choose not to forgive those who've wronged you:

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES.

When you don't forgive someone, they don't mope around the house, wallowing in all the ways they could have done it better. But you do. And when you live your life and make your choices to impress/emulate other people, they don't agonize over mistakes and failures. But you do.

I'm learning I can live my life to LOVE other people, and SERVE other people. But other people should rarely play a role in the personal goals (career, fitness, etc) I set for myself. My confidence has to come from me, knowing that I'm not alone in any of these adventures.

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength" -Philippians 4:13

So with that, I am running my first 5K this weekend. In the spirit of "my goals, no one else's" I am not aiming to finish with some record time. I'm aiming to finish, period, without stopping to walk. And to get the t-shirt. Goals of speed, longer distance, etc, can be explored at a later date.

Something else I've learned about personal goal setting: attainability is key.

So yay. I'm doing something for me, that not long ago I thought I couldn't do. Yes, I'm aware I haven't actually done it yet, but I'm choosing to be positive.

What can YOU start doing for you?

Weekly Goals:

Pinterest. Where I spend (too) much of my time:

Yes, Pinterest. You know, internet crack.

I have but 3 goals for this week:

1. Spend time reading something significant and edifying.

2. Less Cheese/Chocolate. Obviously it's something to do with the letters C and H. (Like the sugar brand! OMG, there is conspiracy afoot!)

3. Making it so that my fitness board and future wedding board on Pinterest do not have such a huge discrepancy in number of pins. Bet you can guess which has more.

In my defense, I'm pretty sure I WILL get married someday. And when I do, I'm gonna be really glad I went through all this trouble. Just sayin'...

In other words, the idea is to bring my focus toward things I can actually address, you know, NOW*

Past the Past.

In church today, the theme of the message was accesibility to God.

And, some things we do to hinder our ability to "access" Him when we need to.

Or perhaps, we hinder Him fron accessing US.

I found a couple of these extremely convicting/butt-kicking:

1. We don't get past our past. We get hurt, we fail, we screw up, and we let it consume us and keep us from making the change that we need to make in our lives. The analogy used today was the shot clock in basketball. 24 seconds to make a shot. And if you miss, guess what? The clock resets. And no one ever rebounded a ball, saw a clear opportunity to succeed and said "Nope, already tried shooting. Didn't go well."

I think of the attitudes I've had and carry as a result of my past. And I know I use them as excuses when I don't love as well as I could. When my confidence falters, when insecurity rears its head, making me needy and more dependent than I should be. When past infidelity makes me suspicious when I don't need to be, not in the slightest. When past failures--professional, relational, etc, and past heartbreak cause me to doubt that God has a plan for me, and that He has my absolute best interest at heart. He is a God who loves, and a God who forgives. If I couldn't forgive those who have wronged me, I would never be able to move forward. I'd be consumed by my own bitterness and my life would cease to be one with purpose.

But WAIT. If that's true of other people who've sinned against me, shouldn't it also apply to me? I've forgiven everyone else, but forgiving ME is the key step in moving forward. I've read that regret is simply not from God. Repentance yes, regret no. Regret can only serve to fill you with shame and longing for what cannot be undone. God has forgiven me, and will continue to do so. My turn.

2. We DOUBT. Our pastor talked about a story in John (as in, the Gospel of) 5, about an invalid trying to reach a pool with healing powers. Jesus shows up, sees him, and they have the following exchange:

"When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?'
'Sir,' the invalid replied, 'I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.'

Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.' 9 At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked." (John 5:6-9, NIV)

The question "do you WANT to get well?" seems pretty basic. Uh, yeah, I do. But for many of us, myself included, getting "well", whatever that means, takes CHANGE. And change, more often than not, takes WORK. And it always, always takes faith. Had that man at the pool said to Jesus "Nope, I'm not getting up, I can't, duh" he would have remained there, for the rest of his life. He had to BELIEVE that Jesus could and would change him for the better, despite what he had always been before.

Two steps, that seem so elementary, hold so many back. Get over yourself, get over what you did or what was done to you, and believe that God can and will change you. Okay, maybe that was three steps. Anyway...

Easier said than done, I know. But what I loved about the basketball shot clock analogy is that number 24. How convenient that while players get 24 seconds to try again after every failure, there are 24 hours in every single day for us to do the same. Every day, God resets the clock.

So here's to the next 24.