Those I've loved along the way.

For those of you who don't know and haven't already passed judgment on me for it...I love country music. Love it. Anyway, Eric Church is my new favorite artist. He's not too showy or overproduced, and his lyrics are so damn heartbreakingly accurate. His song "Those I've Loved" hits me hard these days. It's about loving, losing, and not trading a minute of it.

And it got me thinking about those that I'VE loved along the way. It's an equally painful and beautiful moment when you realize that loving someone--really truly loving them, is never a mistake. For everything it takes, without fail, it gives back SO MUCH MORE. I think of the people I loved who have passed away--closest to my heart being my Grandpa and Aunt Renee. I miss them, always will, but I wouldn't live the way I do without their influence in my life.

I've lost family members, best friends, lovers. There are one or two people I've loved who fall into more than one category. Best friends that felt like family (and vice versa) and a lover who became a best friend. It's taken me so long to see that the relationships I've lost, and the ones that have changed, or will someday change again....they all have their place. We all walk our own paths, and if we are blessed enough to have someone we love walking beside us, even for a moment--My God, what more can we ask for? And no matter how sad and bitter we might feel when someone leaves us to go where their own path is leading them, how lonely and HARD it is to keep walking without them, we're always better for them having been there at all.

Because as it does, life goes on, and we keep going until we find someone else to walk with--new friends, husbands, wives, our own children. And we love them with every ounce of experience we have to give. That's when it becomes clear that the ones we LOVED were teaching us to love the ones we WILL LOVE. And in that way, and maybe many other ways, we never stop loving them. It's heartbreaking and wonderful all at once, no?

Sigh.

Things I used to believe.

I was at a Christmas party with some family friends tonight. I met a couple of elderly gentlemen, and for awhile I sat quietly (which, by the way, happens rarely, if ever) listening to them talk. The conversation drifted in an out of the present, and it struck me, hard, just how much these people know. Not because they have gone to school and earned degrees. They didn't know things because they read them or heard them, they knew things because they LIVED them. The respect I felt for them was immense. The past year of my life has been epic, truly. I have loved, lost, but more than anything, I have EXPERIENCED. And to think of all that fit into this year, and to think of all the years they have on me...the knowledge stacks up.

But it made me think about all of the things I've learned that books couldn't have taught me, and the things I used to believe, that by choice or circumstance, I don't believe anymore. Here is a selection, some favorites highlighted in bold.

-I used to believe that I was going to be the most popular girl in high school.
-I used to believe that being the most popular girl in high school mattered.
-I used to believe whales could live in Lake Washington.
-I used to believe sex wasn't a big deal.
-I used to believe Sun-in was an appropriate method with which to color my hair.
-I used to believe God wasn't paying attention to me.
-I used to believe I'd meet my husband in college, and we'd get married the summer after graduation.
-I used to believe a lower back tattoo was a good idea.
-I used to believe removing said tattoo would be easy, inexpensive, and relatively painless.
-I used to believe he was the one.
-I used to believe dancing provocatively with my girlfriends and drunkenly making out with them was sexy.
-I used to believe my mom hated my dad after their divorce.
-I used to believe my stepdad wasn't a "real" father.
-I used to believe business was spelled, "Buisness"
-I used to believe Church was boring and unneccessary.
-I used to believe I didn't deserve to be loved.
-I used to believe that parmesan cheese was called, "Farmer John" cheese.
-I used to believe my family was embarassing.
-I used to believe grown-ups knew everything.
-I used to believe my best friends in elementary, middle, and high school would be my bridesmaids.
-I used to believe time wouldn't heal me.
-I used to believe turning 18 made you an adult.
-I used to believe the people I love would never die or go away.
-I used to believe nobody understood me.
-I used to believe dry shaving my legs would be quicker and more effective.
-I used to believe the center part was the right hairstyle for me.
-I used to believe a slice of pizza, in college, was a suitable afternoon snack.
-I used to believe that the things I believed would never, ever change.

This is just to name a few, of course. But thank God for "used to"...thank God for BELIEVING. What did you used to believe?

24.

No, not the show. Never actually watched that...

Anyway, I turned 24 today. It seems to me such an incredibly "mature" sounding age, but I am not complaining. That God saw fit to give me another year of life is a gift. I hope for many more.

Age 23 was...rough. So much up and down, so much hurting, and finally, so much healing. There are still some cringe-worthy moments. Tonight, while sitting in my last group meeting with my lovely ladies, I saw my ex through the window, walking across the street with his new girlfriend. Ouch. But then, not long after, my friends lit some candles on a cake and sang to me. They told me they love me, and I cried. Not because I was sad...the image from twenty minutes prior had faded completely and I was happy again.

I have EVERYTHING I need. A family that loves me, friends that love me, and the belief that my future is beautiful, if I have faith and respect and protect myself. When I think about 23, I remember a girl who was lost, and sad. I now am found, and I don't know that girl anymore. The past is in the past, and every experience pointed me here. I am right where I should be. Do I get lonely? Yes. But I know where to turn and how to get through the nights. And I am content and at peace because I have put it all behind me. I have let it go.

What a beautiful life. I am grateful for every single minute. And cannot wait to see what is next.

Big girls don't cry.

Well, fuck that, I'm 5'1. I can cry all I want.


It's over, again. This time for good. This time it was my call, I made it. He agreed, it was the right decision. He told me how wonderful I am, and how I would sooner rather than later find someone who could see that like he did, someone who would want the same things out of life that I did. I got teary-eyed. He got teary-eyed. I walked out of the door, and made it all the way down the hall before completely breaking down.

And that's been the story for the remainder of the day, pretty much. I know it was the right thing. I know it. But never in a million years did I realize that it would be this hard.

They say only time will heal you, this too shall pass. Well, it's been less than 12 hours. And. I. Miss. Him. So. Much.

Why time? Why can't it be, say, brie? Or red wine, or you know, Cheetos? How about Butterfingers and cookie dough? Why can't Starbucks heal me? Why, of all the things that could be the sole cure for this loneliness, this grief, is TIME the only thing that will make it go away? The problem with time, it seems, is that it takes TOO DAMN LONG!


But it works. Everyone says so. Before I knew anything as wonderful as this man existed, countless boys brought my world to a halt. Time healed me then. Time will heal me now. Well, no, actually, not NOW. Not even tomorrow. Or the next day. But there will be a day, hopesfully soon, when I will in fact be just fine. Maybe--here's a crazy thought--better than fine.



I ripped off the band-aid. This is the sting I knew I'd feel, and Lordy, it hurts. It hurts so bad I can't see straight. I could season food with tears, I shit you not. It was a hell of a wound, and I never let it heal. Now is when that needs to happen. This too shall pass, and yes, time alone will get me to the other side.

So go ahead time. Do your thing. I'll be patient. But if you could pretty please make this as quick as possible, I'd appreciate it.

Oh life.

Remember that time the world was ending?

Tomorrow will make it five years since I broke up with my first boyfriend. Well, since he broke up with me. He was a great many firsts, actually, and I think that's what made the ending of our relationship so tough on me. And it wasn't that he cheated on me (he's actually the only guy who hasn't, to my knowledge) or anything like that. He just didn't want to be with me.

I really did think it was the worst thing in the world. It was a Sunday...Super Bowl Sunday, actually. I went to his parents' house to watch the game, and he took me down to his basement bedroom, sat me on the bed and told me in his roundabout way that we had reached our expiration date. I stormed out of the house, slammed the door, and when he followed me to my car I had to ask because he couldn't just SAY IT. "Are we breaking up?" Yes, we were. And I didn't cry until I was safe in the car and he was walking back into the house. I didn't stop crying until about 4am. That was the only time I cried over it, but I didn't really feel better for a good 3 months. I'll never forget that feeling that something was missing and I'd never replace it. I'll never forget the morning I woke up feeling like I was okay. Nor will I forget my dad telling me that this was nothing. I was just getting started.

And he was SO RIGHT. But there's something about a first broken heart that is so very key. Once you surive that, at any age, you just inherently know that next time, it will hurt, and it will suck, but it WILL GET BETTER. Broken hearts beat, just the same, and life goes on.

Not sure why I thought of that. I guess it's because I still manage to be hurt and even hurt others, all the time. And it doesn't hurt any less when you start feeling like something is missing. But you know it won't last forever, and sometimes that's enough. I ran into my first boyfriend about a year ago. He was my cashier at the Taco Bell drive thru. And I smiled thinking about how he had once brought my entire world crashing down on me, and almost thanked him. It was not my worst broken heart, there have been far worse since then, but he made every last one a little easier to take. And yes, I would like hot sauce with that.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

525,600 minutes...

How do you measure a year?

First off, I am not going to do a post on my trip right now. But, a few highlights...

- Sharing Korean food with Jaimee and random Canadians in a tent at 3am, in SEOUL. Oh yeah, drunk off our asses.

- Being the only blonde head on the subway train.

-Being humbled by the fact that the Koreans were much more acccomodating and understanding of me on their turf than I have been of them on mine.

- Being in THAILAND. Enough said.

-Finding a tucked away Rasta bar in Patong Beach, filled with dreadlocked Thai men and Europeans alike, all willing to let you sit in their circle on carpet-remnant squares and partake in what they were passing.

-Returning to said bar the next day with an adorable and sweet Australian, and kissing him while "No Woman, No Cry" played in the background. Forgetting the rest of the world and trying to remember the last time that had happened.

-And finally, saying goodbye to Jaimee again, crying just a little less than the last time we separated, knowing this time that we will be fine.


As for 2008....What a year. Some of you know the stories...let's just name them, shall we? J*sh, who got engaged a month after we ended. Br*ce, who got MARRIED 3 weeks after our last fight, and of course, the saga that is Chef. Well, was. Hopefully. In the romantic department, I have had my share of pain. And it spilled over, all too often, into every other area of my life. I gained weight, lost weight, lost sleep, lost time.

Some might remember that I have 2008, literally, tattooed on my body. And some might wonder with all the bullshit? Why?

Because it wasn't all bad. In fact, much of it has been so beautiful I don't even know how to put it into words. I went to Europe, and I went to Asia. I effectively tripled the number continents I've set foot upon this year. I saw these places with some of my favorite people in the whole world at my side, and met some truly amazing people along the way.

I graduated college. This idea still blows my mind just a tad. I lost friends temporarily due to geography, and some permanently because life just doesn't always stay the same. I jumped out of a plane. I went bungee jumping. I went on a week-long vacation with relative strangers and made friends who have impacted me in ways they will never know. Never in 366 days (yes, 2008 was a leap year, as you may recall) have I felt such emotional extremes. I can recall times this year when I sat in my car alone and cried harder than I ever had before. And then returned to the same person that had put me in that position. More than once. Way more than once. I can also remember times when I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I remember being the second person (who wasn't a doctor) to hold baby Ella, watching her breathe and seeing her three-hour old eyes open and look up at me and thinking what a miracle it is just to be alive.

And it is. Every single minute. 2008 was not always wonderful. Not even close. But the times that were made the bad more than worth it. And in Roman numerals it remains, tattooed on my left hip. Because despite it all, there is one thing I can say about this year. I have NEVER learned more in one year. The pain from this year, the scars, they will fade. The good times and the lessons learned are what will stay, indelible, in my mind. And for that I am immeasurably grateful.

Which brings me to 2009. I am not making resolutions like "Lose 20 pounds" or "Run a Marathon". I am not setting myself up for failure...which, in itself, is a mistake I've made in numerous situations before. Yes, I'd like to swim more. Maybe go snowboarding. Maybe take up learning Spanish again. But more than anything, I think what I need to do is just put ME first. Not in a selfish bitch sort of way. I should eat better, exercise more, go to bed earlier. In (almost) every way, I need to first think: Is this what I want? Is this what I need? Is this what is BEST FOR ME? If I reflect on most of the decisions I've made this year, the answer to that question is all too often "NO". Yes, with capital letters. It's time to take care of me. So here's to 2009...Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas!

I'm awake earlier than I would normally be on a Christmas day (I blame the jet-lag) and couldn't help but notice that it's snowing. Big, fat flakes, falling hard and fast. I can't tell you how many years I've hoped for this. As a kid, snow on Christmas would have just about made me pee my pants.

This year, however, the Christmas snow comes on the tail of much more snow, and it is already keeping me from seeing some of the ones I love the most today. If it continues, I might not see my dad or my grandma. So instead of dancing around in the snow like an idiot, I'm sitting here, crying, because I perceive it to be ruining my day. Granted, I may shift back to manic at any moment and the dancing will commence.

I shouldn't complain, this I know. Many people, probably many of you, don't get to see their whole family on Christmas. I was lucky enough to land at Sea-Tac in the middle of its frozen hell, greet my parents who made it safely to pick me up, after the trip of a lifetime. Others were/are stuck at the airport for days.

Maybe it's not that I can't see everyone I love that upsets me. Sometimes I think the bittersweet feeling I get every Christmas is more of an indication of how blessed I am. There is so much laughter, so much love in my life (in most arenas) and Christmas so clearly marks the passage of the years and it always makes me a little sad, the nagging feeling that "this cannot last forever". But isn't that just life? Loving what you have while you have it, and making sure every last person you care about knows how you feel?

So to those of you reading this who I will miss today, I love you. I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm gonna go make a snow angel.

Open Letter to....everyone I've dated, basically.

Okay kids, a few facts about me you didn't know:

-Whoever you are, chances are that whatever you didn't feel for me--affection, love, respect, etc--I likely felt for you at some point, on some level. Just because you don't share my feelings doesn't make them any less real or significant. So for the record, asshole, saying things like "We hooked up, get over it" is not only heartless, it's stupid. Actually, scratch that. YOU are stupid

- I am funny, smart, ambitious. I have an AMAZING family, and AMAZING friends, some of whom know you, ALL of whom know I deserve better. It literally breaks my heart to think about how my daddy, my aunt, my younger cousin, my MOTHER would react if they could ever see the way you've treated me. The way I LET YOU TREAT ME. All of you. What would they think of the girl they see as so strong, independent, confident, if they knew she was dependent on you for validation for so, so long? I don't want to know, because the truth is, underneath it all, I am still those things, and I need those people more than ever to remind me of that.

-I still believe there is something better out there for me. Baby steps get on the elevator, baby steps get on the bus, and baby steps put the pieces back together. And that's when it will happen for me.

-I, for God's sake, am not a toy. It's too late for some of you to take this knowledge to heart (if you have one) where I am concerned, but try and remember this in your future endeavours. I speak of women in general when I say that nothing is replaceable nor easily repaired. Please, please, please be careful.

Ok, that is all. I feel better.