Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Those I've loved along the way.

For those of you who don't know and haven't already passed judgment on me for it...I love country music. Love it. Anyway, Eric Church is my new favorite artist. He's not too showy or overproduced, and his lyrics are so damn heartbreakingly accurate. His song "Those I've Loved" hits me hard these days. It's about loving, losing, and not trading a minute of it.

And it got me thinking about those that I'VE loved along the way. It's an equally painful and beautiful moment when you realize that loving someone--really truly loving them, is never a mistake. For everything it takes, without fail, it gives back SO MUCH MORE. I think of the people I loved who have passed away--closest to my heart being my Grandpa and Aunt Renee. I miss them, always will, but I wouldn't live the way I do without their influence in my life.

I've lost family members, best friends, lovers. There are one or two people I've loved who fall into more than one category. Best friends that felt like family (and vice versa) and a lover who became a best friend. It's taken me so long to see that the relationships I've lost, and the ones that have changed, or will someday change again....they all have their place. We all walk our own paths, and if we are blessed enough to have someone we love walking beside us, even for a moment--My God, what more can we ask for? And no matter how sad and bitter we might feel when someone leaves us to go where their own path is leading them, how lonely and HARD it is to keep walking without them, we're always better for them having been there at all.

Because as it does, life goes on, and we keep going until we find someone else to walk with--new friends, husbands, wives, our own children. And we love them with every ounce of experience we have to give. That's when it becomes clear that the ones we LOVED were teaching us to love the ones we WILL LOVE. And in that way, and maybe many other ways, we never stop loving them. It's heartbreaking and wonderful all at once, no?

Sigh.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Things I used to believe.

I was at a Christmas party with some family friends tonight. I met a couple of elderly gentlemen, and for awhile I sat quietly (which, by the way, happens rarely, if ever) listening to them talk. The conversation drifted in an out of the present, and it struck me, hard, just how much these people know. Not because they have gone to school and earned degrees. They didn't know things because they read them or heard them, they knew things because they LIVED them. The respect I felt for them was immense. The past year of my life has been epic, truly. I have loved, lost, but more than anything, I have EXPERIENCED. And to think of all that fit into this year, and to think of all the years they have on me...the knowledge stacks up.

But it made me think about all of the things I've learned that books couldn't have taught me, and the things I used to believe, that by choice or circumstance, I don't believe anymore. Here is a selection, some favorites highlighted in bold.

-I used to believe that I was going to be the most popular girl in high school.
-I used to believe that being the most popular girl in high school mattered.
-I used to believe whales could live in Lake Washington.
-I used to believe sex wasn't a big deal.
-I used to believe Sun-in was an appropriate method with which to color my hair.
-I used to believe God wasn't paying attention to me.
-I used to believe I'd meet my husband in college, and we'd get married the summer after graduation.
-I used to believe a lower back tattoo was a good idea.
-I used to believe removing said tattoo would be easy, inexpensive, and relatively painless.
-I used to believe he was the one.
-I used to believe dancing provocatively with my girlfriends and drunkenly making out with them was sexy.
-I used to believe my mom hated my dad after their divorce.
-I used to believe my stepdad wasn't a "real" father.
-I used to believe business was spelled, "Buisness"
-I used to believe Church was boring and unneccessary.
-I used to believe I didn't deserve to be loved.
-I used to believe that parmesan cheese was called, "Farmer John" cheese.
-I used to believe my family was embarassing.
-I used to believe grown-ups knew everything.
-I used to believe my best friends in elementary, middle, and high school would be my bridesmaids.
-I used to believe time wouldn't heal me.
-I used to believe turning 18 made you an adult.
-I used to believe the people I love would never die or go away.
-I used to believe nobody understood me.
-I used to believe dry shaving my legs would be quicker and more effective.
-I used to believe the center part was the right hairstyle for me.
-I used to believe a slice of pizza, in college, was a suitable afternoon snack.
-I used to believe that the things I believed would never, ever change.

This is just to name a few, of course. But thank God for "used to"...thank God for BELIEVING. What did you used to believe?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

24.

No, not the show. Never actually watched that...

Anyway, I turned 24 today. It seems to me such an incredibly "mature" sounding age, but I am not complaining. That God saw fit to give me another year of life is a gift. I hope for many more.

Age 23 was...rough. So much up and down, so much hurting, and finally, so much healing. There are still some cringe-worthy moments. Tonight, while sitting in my last group meeting with my lovely ladies, I saw my ex through the window, walking across the street with his new girlfriend. Ouch. But then, not long after, my friends lit some candles on a cake and sang to me. They told me they love me, and I cried. Not because I was sad...the image from twenty minutes prior had faded completely and I was happy again.

I have EVERYTHING I need. A family that loves me, friends that love me, and the belief that my future is beautiful, if I have faith and respect and protect myself. When I think about 23, I remember a girl who was lost, and sad. I now am found, and I don't know that girl anymore. The past is in the past, and every experience pointed me here. I am right where I should be. Do I get lonely? Yes. But I know where to turn and how to get through the nights. And I am content and at peace because I have put it all behind me. I have let it go.

What a beautiful life. I am grateful for every single minute. And cannot wait to see what is next.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Here comes the sun, little darlin'...

So, the bad news is, my former Wonderful Man, is, by many accounts, turning out to be a bit less than wonderful. Maybe not as bad as some of my past winners, but certainly not as perfect as I once believed him to be. It hurts to find this out, but the good news is...

It doesn't matter. I'm free. I stood up and walked away. Sure, I cried a little, but I cry a little at A Baby Story, and commercials for the United Negro College Fund. The good news is, whatever horrible things he may have done or might still be doing, it is not my problem anymore.

Hell yes.

I'm suddenly feeling all kinds of excited about life. When all of the anxiety I formerly carried because of him was finally lifted off of my shoulders, it was like every other aspect of my life came flying back into focus. I dropped out of school, for starters--I don't want to be a psychologist, go figure. I realized I hate my job, so I'm going to look for a new one. I lost five pounds last week! Not "I'm so depressed I can't eat" pounds, but "I'm eating healthy and exercising like a madwoman because I finally FEEL good!" pounds. I'm going to start singing a bit with a band, and recording. I also really want to write, a whole lot more. Expect to see the overflow of that on this blog--perhaps with some photos, being that the word vomit is likely going to get old.

We broke up, allegedly, because of children. He was also old, and while the sex wasn't (usually) bad, let's face it everyone--I'm a 23 year old woman. I've had better and dammit, will get better on a regular basis in the future. Word.

But back to the kid/future/epiphany thing. Everywhere I've been this week, I've been seeing and noticing the little ones, and it just keeps reinforcing to me that I was just born to be a mama. Other than Prince Charming to father them, there is nothing I want more than babies. I want them to be loud, difficult, hilarious, cute, smart, special, slightly neurotic like their mother, just plain AMAZING little human beings. I want the chaos, the mess, and every sweet little moment that comes along with them. And I want to share that whole sweet, chaotic mess with a man who loves me, who is my partner, who makes me laugh and makes me breakfast. I deserve that. Shit, we all deserve that. I've decided not to settle for less.

It's coming, I know it. And while I truly cannot wait, I am looking forward to all of the experiences that get me there. Which, let's hope, given my current account balances, includes me becoming independently wealthy.

Fingers Crossed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Big girls don't cry.

Well, fuck that, I'm 5'1. I can cry all I want.


It's over, again. This time for good. This time it was my call, I made it. He agreed, it was the right decision. He told me how wonderful I am, and how I would sooner rather than later find someone who could see that like he did, someone who would want the same things out of life that I did. I got teary-eyed. He got teary-eyed. I walked out of the door, and made it all the way down the hall before completely breaking down.

And that's been the story for the remainder of the day, pretty much. I know it was the right thing. I know it. But never in a million years did I realize that it would be this hard.

They say only time will heal you, this too shall pass. Well, it's been less than 12 hours. And. I. Miss. Him. So. Much.

Why time? Why can't it be, say, brie? Or red wine, or you know, Cheetos? How about Butterfingers and cookie dough? Why can't Starbucks heal me? Why, of all the things that could be the sole cure for this loneliness, this grief, is TIME the only thing that will make it go away? The problem with time, it seems, is that it takes TOO DAMN LONG!


But it works. Everyone says so. Before I knew anything as wonderful as this man existed, countless boys brought my world to a halt. Time healed me then. Time will heal me now. Well, no, actually, not NOW. Not even tomorrow. Or the next day. But there will be a day, hopesfully soon, when I will in fact be just fine. Maybe--here's a crazy thought--better than fine.



I ripped off the band-aid. This is the sting I knew I'd feel, and Lordy, it hurts. It hurts so bad I can't see straight. I could season food with tears, I shit you not. It was a hell of a wound, and I never let it heal. Now is when that needs to happen. This too shall pass, and yes, time alone will get me to the other side.

So go ahead time. Do your thing. I'll be patient. But if you could pretty please make this as quick as possible, I'd appreciate it.

Oh life.

Friday, January 16, 2009

But when you think Tim McGraw...

Sometimes, not very often, I let myself think about that summer. It's usually this time of year, when you can't stand to be outside for too long because it's so cold, and you can hardly even imagine a time when it WASN'T like that. That's when I remember that summer. And that boy.

Summer 2004. I graduated high school on June 6th, and fall quarter at UW didn't start until September 27th. At the time, and even now, that stretch of time just boggles my mind. I remember thinking it would just go on forever. In some ways it did, I guess. That summer was a rarity for this area too, as virtually every day, from June until late August, was just PERFECT. No rain, and very few clouds, if any, ever. I don't remember a summer like that before, and there hasn't been one since. The days were beautiful, and the nights were better.

I met him on June 18th. I know this because it was the night before my Spanish placement test at UW. As a direct result of my performance on this test, I spent my first year of college taking Spanish classes that were far below my level of competence in the language, because I had never before been so blissfully exhausted nor distracted while taking an exam. My cousin told me we were going to hang out with new people...the idea of "new people" in their tiny town blew my mind. I'd been spending my weekends there for months, hadn't I met everyone?

Nope. These people were different. These were the kids who lived in the country and acted like it. That night, we picked him up on the way to this party. He was walking along the side of the road, and we were lost. The first thing he did was change the radio to the local country station. The next was show me his tattoo, which read "Country Boy" across his left arm. I was amused. I was hooked. He led us into the middle of nowhere, through an abandoned logging road lined with bushes and trees that scraped the car relentlessly. We finally reached the end, and it was like no party my spoiled ass had ever seen. Pickup trucks and coolers, and one huge bonfire. I loved it, instantly. After a few drinks I let him put his arms around me as I stood by the fire. Not long after that I let him kiss me, and just breathed him in. There are some scents you just memorize, and his was almost immediately burned into my brain. He smelled the way your skin smells after a day in the sun, the way your clothes smell after a bonfire, and very faintly of beer and cigarettes. Even after showering, I swear, he always smelled the same. Doesn't sound all that appealing, but he REEKED of "Bad Boy" and it bowled me over, every time.

After that night, that was it. I was done for. We went to a hundred more parties just like the first. Sometimes I rode on the back of his motorcycle, hanging on for dear life, and sometimes he would drive my car. We didn't make plans. For the first month, I'd leave work Friday nights and spend every waking minute with him until Sunday night. I took a week off in July and we decided one night, for the hell of it, why not go camping? We brought hot dogs, beer, and bathing suits...that was pretty much it. We drove halfway across the state with all the windows down. I sunburned my right arm that day from letting it hang out of the passenger side window for hours, and honestly didn't care. We thought it was funny. We listened to Tim McGraw's greatest hits the whole way there, and when we met up with some friends at the campsite, we ran straight to the river and I jumped off my first bridge. Not a care, not a thought. We spent the next day in inner tubes, floating down the river, without once considering how long it might take us to get back. We didn't care. We drove home at sunset a couple of days later, with every window down, still. Somewhere over Snoqualmie pass, going somewhere around 90 miles an hour, he leaned over and kissed me, and I TRULY thought that this was it. He was the one, I had found him.

I don't need to tell you how it ended, but I will anyway. I went off to college, and he stayed in his little town, drinking too much, fighting too much, and doing little else. He cheated, I cried. I learned that when he reeks of "bad boy", it's for a reason. But I swear I wouldn't change a minute. If someday my daughter meets one like him, I'll try and stop her, but it will be no use. And that's okay. Some people go their whole lives and never have that one sweet summer, where time stops and you don't worry about tomorrow because you have today AND tonight, and that's all the time you need. I can't definitively say who or where he is today, but for awhile he was sweet and he was mine.

....Back to reality tomorrow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I want my t-shirt!

Well, I worked out today AND didn't eat a bunch of crap. Scooore. Now all I have to do is do this repeatedly, as in, more than like 4 consecutive days and perhaps some results will be visible. I've been meaning to look into running a 5K, and then maybe working my way up to a 10K. I can, if the mood is right, bust out 3.1 miles on ye olde treadmill. I find this especially doable at the gym, as I tend to run better and longer when people are watching. Vanity can be such a catalyst sometimes. Okay, all the time.

I'm proud of myself in that I've reached a point where 3.1 miles doesn't seem scary. In fact, it's somewhere between "easy enough" and routine. But as I've realized, there is a huge huge huge different between the treadmill and running on regular sidewalks/terrain. The cement is harder, the ground is uneven, the air is colder, the incline is all over the place. I find myself exhausted way sooner than I would be at the gym. Plus I seemed to have lost my armband for my iPod AND my pedometer, both of which I would need without my trusty treadmill. Going to have to procure these things, I think, because the "I ran a 5K" thing doesn't sound nearly as good when you ran it in your gym while watching reruns of "Las Vegas" on TNT. And you don't get the free t-shirt.

I'm going to have to work on this.

In other news, I'm feeling a little better. Some much needed home/family/gym/church/mall time has calmed me down a bit. Under my right eye, there is a muscle that has been visibly twitching--or more like fluttering?--for four days now. It looks like a heartbeat under my eye, and is creepy and horrible, and according to the doctor, caused by stress.

Her recommendation: Be less stressed!

Thanks, I'll work on that. Step one...I left my phone in my car earlier tonight by accident. And didn't go get it. No sense compulsively checking the damn thing for the messages I know won't come, right? For those of you who might actually be attempting to contact me...Whoops. I'll get back to you tomorrow, I suppose...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Seasons of Love...or not.

So, let's be honest...we all make mistakes. We fuck up. We are only human.

And by we, I mean me. I haven't really liked myself this week. Like, at all. I've questioned why OTHER people would or should like me, and found a couple of pretty sad ways to perpetuate these feelings. And by sad, I mean, really, really stupid and bad. But it helped, somehow. It made me see things clearer.

In the morning, while he was sleeping (I never sleep well there...maybe it's a sign?) it was starting to get light out, and I caught a glimpse of the tree outside his window through the blinds. Its leaves were red. And I remembered watching the same tree in April, when the leaves were barely buds. And I thought about the same tree in July, when the window stayed open so it wouldn't get too hot. Then the leaves were green. Had he lived there last December, I could have seen the same tree with no leaves at all. And as I peered out the window, exhausted but wide-awake, it struck me that while the tree changed time and time again, I was still there. Still next to him, still alone. And though I've known for so long that it had to stop, this was a visual representation of how much of my life, my precious time, I've spent STILL THERE. And it became so clear that I cannot lie there and watch the leaves fall from that tree again. I can't let a whole year of my life go by and still be that girl.

And that, I guess, is that. Not pretty, not something to be proud of, but there it is.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

On my heart just like a tattoo...

Ok, forgive the Jordin Sparks song reference. But it came on while I was on my way home from the store today and I thought it horribly appropriate.

Did you ever think you were totally over someone? That they'd wreaked so much havoc in your life and you'd finally healed from it all, to the point where they could show up at your doorstep and all you would have to say to them is a firm but polite "fuck off" because you just couldn't handle any more? Good, me too. I've had a few actually, but the most memorable to most of you is he who starts with a J, ends with a "oh my gosh why did I waste almost 3 years of my life on you and your crap?"

Well I'm at Safeway in Bellevue today (the new one, it's SO pretty!) and I'm standing there looking at brown rice sushi, and I swear I saw him getting off the elevator. I had just gotten my eyebrows waxed , had on no makeup, and most importantly, there was simply nowhere to run. The stranger turned his head just slightly and I got the full view of his face. And it wasn't him. Funny thing is, I still just wanted to run away. One glimpse of NOT him, and my heart was in my throat, pounding away. My blood pressure escalated out of control. I'm pretty sure my eyes watered a bit too. AND IT WASN'T EVEN HIM.

Moral of the story, I am a spastic nutcase. Second moral of the story, all that happened in the past was so, so, so for the best. And the least obvious, maybe, is that evidently some scars aren't always visible, but are certainly always there, even if just to remind us that we did the right thing. And I guess that's ok.

I am so going to be late for work now. Oh well.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Starting Over, Yet Again...

I started my Livejournal blog about two weeks before I started college. Being that I just graduated (insert squeal/gulp here) and taking into consideration that pretty much EVERYONE I know and meet has a blogspot account, it seemed appropriate to start over here. So many new beginnings are happening for me, a new blog is just another shiny new feature of life after college. I feel I'm starting over in so many ways, so it only seemed right to start a blog that doesn't feature some of the less shiny features of college life (ahem, certain relationships, er , relationshits). While I learned some truly valuable lessons from those experiences, I no longer feel the need to keep them easily accessible, both to myself and others.

So, like I was saying. New beginnings, including, but not limited to:

-The New Car. Those who were familiar with the old car and all of its, um, quirks, know that this was a long time coming. I plan to take much better care of this one. Which reminds me, it is in dire need of a bath.

-The New Computer. That's right, ye olde unwieldy Inspiron did what it came to do--got me through college, barely. It's now decided it simply cannot go another day. So I built my new Dell XPS something-or-other (every man I know would cringe at my typing that) the other day, and it should be arriving soon. I am so excited, you don't even know. I can't wait to have a truly portable computer that I can take places. I'm hoping this will help me document life a little better, blog-wise. Plus I needed it for all of the fabulous real, non-restaurant work I'll be doing. Can't forget that. Speaking of...

-The New "Job". My stepdad's company hired me as their project manager, supervising the redesign of their website. Between you and me, I have no idea what I'm doing, but am confident I'll figure it out. No math involved, so we should be good. And it should be good resume material.

- The New Places and Faces. I took my first trip to Europe, and went to Mexico with relative strangers who turned out to be completely awesome. I'm also volunteering at my church (yes, church-another new development) with the 3-year-olds, and meeting some new folks there too. One of my best friends (Jaimee) is in Korea indefinitely, so it's been excellent meeting some new and fabulous people =)

-The New Niece. No, I don't have any siblings, but I have cousins I love like sisters, and one of them, Mrs. Nichole Saucier, just gave birth to her first child, miss Ella Madison. I was honored and blessed to be one of the first to hold her, and she is so, so beautiful. Congrats to Jon and Nichole, I love you guys!

Crap, this was supposed to be a "quick" post. I am nothing if not long-winded. More soon though. As always, thanks for reading...