Weekend Recap.

This weekend, I learned....

- I LOVE live music. Drive-By Truckers were amazing, and random band at Wilde Rover last night was pretty damn good as well.

-I miss singing. A lot.

-Apparently he and I CAN spend a night and not sleep together. One or both of us might have to be so wasted we can't see straight, but I consider it progress. Don't ask me whether or not I wanted to though, because I won't give you an honest answer.


-Oh, AND, looks like I have strep. So, awesome.



I am, however, excited about the upcoming Thanksgiving festivities, assuming I cure my illness and lose the preparatory 5 pounds I've been worrying about. I could really use a good evening with the fam--food, wine, cards, dancing. Yes, dancing--your family doesn't do that? Going to Pati's as usual...the view doesn't hurt, either....

Seasons of Love...or not.

So, let's be honest...we all make mistakes. We fuck up. We are only human.

And by we, I mean me. I haven't really liked myself this week. Like, at all. I've questioned why OTHER people would or should like me, and found a couple of pretty sad ways to perpetuate these feelings. And by sad, I mean, really, really stupid and bad. But it helped, somehow. It made me see things clearer.

In the morning, while he was sleeping (I never sleep well there...maybe it's a sign?) it was starting to get light out, and I caught a glimpse of the tree outside his window through the blinds. Its leaves were red. And I remembered watching the same tree in April, when the leaves were barely buds. And I thought about the same tree in July, when the window stayed open so it wouldn't get too hot. Then the leaves were green. Had he lived there last December, I could have seen the same tree with no leaves at all. And as I peered out the window, exhausted but wide-awake, it struck me that while the tree changed time and time again, I was still there. Still next to him, still alone. And though I've known for so long that it had to stop, this was a visual representation of how much of my life, my precious time, I've spent STILL THERE. And it became so clear that I cannot lie there and watch the leaves fall from that tree again. I can't let a whole year of my life go by and still be that girl.

And that, I guess, is that. Not pretty, not something to be proud of, but there it is.

Beyonce Wisdom.

Yes, I just said that. No, I'm not sure if it's an oxymoron. But I am suddenly obsessed with this song, mostly because of its brilliant real-life application. Well, my real life.

"If I Were a Boy"

If I were a boy, even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning,
And throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guysand chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted and I'd never get confronted for it
Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl ,I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy, I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken so they'd think that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful, waiting for me to come home

If I were a boy, I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her, cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted, and everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you, you thought wrong

But you're just a boy, you don't understandand
You don't understand how it feels to love a girl
Someday you'll wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted 'cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy...



*I bolded the parts I've found personally applicable, in the past or present. The phone part is particularly cringe-worthy. It was actually kind of painful/gratifying to hear it for the first time in the car. I thought, "Ouch, but hey, apparently I'm not the only one!"

Ok, that's probably enough posting for today, yes?

Long as I can see the light...

Meh.

Let's see, Wednesday. Happy Hump Day! Ok, hardly. Work at the preschool was challenging today. One of our kids screamed from the moment his mother left to, more or less, the moment she picked him up. There were brief periods of rest, but he would always come back with renewed vigor. The first tantrum of this degree--stomping of the feet, throwing of self on the floor, etc, I've seen in awhile. That wasn't my own, of course. But the rest of the kids were adorable, as usual. It's tricky, knowing I'm not going to be able to finsh out the year with them, trying not to get too attached to any of them. Actually, it's impossible. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like there's something about kids, especially that age. They just get to you, in the most incredible ways. It never takes long before the thought of not having them in your life seems unfathomable. Hrmm. Let's talk about something else.

Had dinner at work tonight...a certain "friend" stopped by our table, introducing himself to my MOTHER. Luckily, she was not yet smashed and didn't say anything completely inappropriate. Although at this point, I probably wouldn't have cared. He's not the only male who irritated me tonight, turns out. The latest disappointment is in rare form as well. Ah well. Hopefully he'll be the last. Disappointment, that is.

Speaking of, Lindsay and I went to an event at church. One of the speakers was phenomenal. She was hilarious, yet 90% of what she said had that, "Yes, Jessica, I'm speaking to you" vibe. I could quote the woman all day, but one thing she said that stuck out was that women tend to take compliments as REVELATIONS, rather than AFFIRMATIONS. For me, this has tended to be true. When a guy says, "You're beautiful", my honest response tends to be (cue starry eyes and disabled brain) " I am? Really?" My reaction should be more along the lines of, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Something to think about.

Speaking of self-confidence and the like, I have decided that at the age of 23, when my metabolism is still fairly quick and my body is at its most capable, there is really no reason for me not to take better care of it. I don't need a six-pack. Nor do I even want one, really. BUT, I might as well be in good shape while its relatively easy to do so. I just need to get a grip and stop eating so much crap. Easier said that done, but I think if I remind myself how much better I feel when I'm not akin to a beached whale, sitting on my couch with a gallon of soda and empty fast food containers strewn about. Not that that's happened recently or anything. Especially not last sunday. And yes, I did make a blog category for "fitness". No shame, I know.

On a lighter note, and to coincide with my subject line up there, I got to talk to Jaimee Rose not once but TWICE today. And things are already looking up a bit. Love you dude, feel better!

On my heart just like a tattoo...

Ok, forgive the Jordin Sparks song reference. But it came on while I was on my way home from the store today and I thought it horribly appropriate.

Did you ever think you were totally over someone? That they'd wreaked so much havoc in your life and you'd finally healed from it all, to the point where they could show up at your doorstep and all you would have to say to them is a firm but polite "fuck off" because you just couldn't handle any more? Good, me too. I've had a few actually, but the most memorable to most of you is he who starts with a J, ends with a "oh my gosh why did I waste almost 3 years of my life on you and your crap?"

Well I'm at Safeway in Bellevue today (the new one, it's SO pretty!) and I'm standing there looking at brown rice sushi, and I swear I saw him getting off the elevator. I had just gotten my eyebrows waxed , had on no makeup, and most importantly, there was simply nowhere to run. The stranger turned his head just slightly and I got the full view of his face. And it wasn't him. Funny thing is, I still just wanted to run away. One glimpse of NOT him, and my heart was in my throat, pounding away. My blood pressure escalated out of control. I'm pretty sure my eyes watered a bit too. AND IT WASN'T EVEN HIM.

Moral of the story, I am a spastic nutcase. Second moral of the story, all that happened in the past was so, so, so for the best. And the least obvious, maybe, is that evidently some scars aren't always visible, but are certainly always there, even if just to remind us that we did the right thing. And I guess that's ok.

I am so going to be late for work now. Oh well.