Saturday, November 1, 2008

Seasons of Love...or not.

So, let's be honest...we all make mistakes. We fuck up. We are only human.

And by we, I mean me. I haven't really liked myself this week. Like, at all. I've questioned why OTHER people would or should like me, and found a couple of pretty sad ways to perpetuate these feelings. And by sad, I mean, really, really stupid and bad. But it helped, somehow. It made me see things clearer.

In the morning, while he was sleeping (I never sleep well there...maybe it's a sign?) it was starting to get light out, and I caught a glimpse of the tree outside his window through the blinds. Its leaves were red. And I remembered watching the same tree in April, when the leaves were barely buds. And I thought about the same tree in July, when the window stayed open so it wouldn't get too hot. Then the leaves were green. Had he lived there last December, I could have seen the same tree with no leaves at all. And as I peered out the window, exhausted but wide-awake, it struck me that while the tree changed time and time again, I was still there. Still next to him, still alone. And though I've known for so long that it had to stop, this was a visual representation of how much of my life, my precious time, I've spent STILL THERE. And it became so clear that I cannot lie there and watch the leaves fall from that tree again. I can't let a whole year of my life go by and still be that girl.

And that, I guess, is that. Not pretty, not something to be proud of, but there it is.


nicoleantoinette said...

What a powerful realization.

Jess said...

Slash pathetic, slash horrible, slash exceptionally late. But powerful, yes, and better late than never?