This post will make zero sense to many reading it...for that I apologize.
Speaking of apologies, yikes. Sometimes "I'm sorry" is just not nearly enough. Have you ever lost something great in a moment of grand stupidity? Have you let something go because you were holding on to something else a little too tight? Like holding a handful of sand--when you hold it too tight, some of it slips out of your fingers. Only I don't hold a lot of sand, just people.
Have you ever been afraid of something because it is just that unfamiliar, that scary? Or felt a certain way and just turned and run because you don't know how to face it. And instead run straight back to something familiar, somewhere you've been before. A story to which you already know the ending. Kind of like my tendency to watch movies on TV I've seen a hundred times--even when they make you cry, at least you know what's coming.
And it does end the same way. And you've spent all this time and used up all these tears and inevitably wonder, as the time ticks by "So, was it worth it?" And the answer, ALWAYS, is no. Same old story. Only this time I'm not the only one it hurts. And unlike my movies, this I can't rewind. I can't take it back, what's done is done. What's done is ALWAYS done. And all we have left is I'm sorry. I always thought when things were right, they would fall into place. No one would say or do the wrong thing or fuck up well before the word go.
I've got this map. It's an artist's rendition of Manhattan, with little pictures of everything. It is so cool. It was a gift. Could I use it to navigate NYC? God no. And maybe that's the problem. I have this colorful, artist's rendition of how life should be in my head. And dammit, every move I make attempts to follow it because it SEEMS RIGHT. But does it get me anywhere? No.
I don't know what else to say. I could go on for days, apologize a million times, but none of it would point me in the right direction. There are many things I miss, but mostly I just miss my friend. I'm a jerk. I know. I'm sorry.
5 days ago