Sunday, March 22, 2009

Keep you.

Well, my prediction came true. All in 30 minutes time I went from the happiest I've ever been to the absolute lowest moment of my life. I use that word "moment" loosely as I have felt the same way for going on 5 hours.

I have never cried more in one day. Starting this morning when I could see it coming, to the minute he walked away. He brought down my bag for me. And he sat in my car and tried to tell me it would be okay. It's not okay. It won't be okay. Then he squeezed my hand and was gone. I looked in my gym bag. It was all there. The shampoo, the clothes, everything. Like in one clean sweep, I was gone. I wonder what he didn't find? The bag of peanut butter eggs in the refrigerator? Did he keep that note I left on the nightstand? Jaimee called right after he left. I picked up the phone and just sobbed. No, I choked. I didn't say anything for awhile and she just let me cry. When I finally spoke, all I could say was "This is not my life. This did not just happen, and this is not my life."

A few minutes later I tried to drive home. I made it halfway to the exit of the parking lot before my eyes filled up and I couldn't see the road. So I parked again, in the same spot I've parked in so many times before on my way to see him. I cried for today, and how much this hurts, but when I started to think about tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after, it just became too much. I sat there wondering if I'd really kissed him for the last time. Was this the closest I'd ever be again? Is this really happening now?

Finally I had to pee, so I wandered into my old workplace. On my way out I was caught by a friend. The hug was nice, I needed the hug. I spared her details but she knew he had told me we were done. She made me feel,for a minute, like things might be okay. But then I got up to go, and sat in the car, listening to the same damn song again. I even drove by his place. Dark.

I got home and looked in my backseat. There was my gym bag, along with my shoes, all sealed up in plastic. I left them there. I couldn't do it. And now that I'm home, he's still everywhere. He's never set foot inside the door of this place and he's still absolutely everywhere. The things he's given me-the map, the hockey jersey. His hat, his sweatshirt. It's sitting right here. I am that pathetic. Even the damn water bottle from his fridge. I thought for a minute it was always like this, but no. Nothing has ever hurt like this, because no one ever meant this much. I have never felt so much or been so happy, and the idea of being without it now is just too much. I believe in miracles, and I am not giving up on us, but nevertheless I am absolutely devastated. I am exhausted. I don't want to sleep. If I sleep, I'll wake up and it's all going to come rushing back. I know it's ridiculous but I really don't know how I will get through tomorrow. I know I was wrong, I know it was my fault, but it doesn't make this any better. Every what if I can conjure doesn't change a thing because what's done is done. Again, as always. I can't go back though I would give anything to do just that. Anything at all.

And because musical artists usually say it best, here's the song I listened to on repeat for three hours.

Sugarland, "Keep You"

We said goodbye. Tried our hand at magic
But we couldn't make us disappear
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you
So one way I'm glad you're still here
It's a bitter sweet victory
Lovin' the ghost in front of me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice, Struggled through a stranger.
You loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowin' someone else wanted me

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it
As if your words were my tears
Flowing freely, warm and quiet
From the edges of my eyes in my ears
Then all that disappears

Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide
Now I can't laugh, can't cry
And I can't run, can't hide

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

4 comments:

Ally said...

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this right now :( It's a process, but you just have to let your emotions take their course. And in the end - you will be okay. And you will find another guy just as great or better. But for now, don't feel bad for feeling bad - it's just part of the process.

Jess said...

Thank you. At the moment, though, snd many more moments to come, I don't want anyone else. I want that one. I don't think they make them any better than that.

♥ Kathy said...

Oh honey I'm sorry :(

Jonathon said...

Me too. =(