I may lose someone today. Someone who means more to me than I could hope to explain, someone who, believe it or not, made me believe it's possible. And if I do lose this person, it will be so, so hard. Worse than before, and I'm terrified. From the minute I let this person into my life, virtually stunned that he wanted to be there, I haven't wanted him out of it. Not today, not tomorrow, not for the foreseeable future. But there are truths I kept to myself for fear of losing him, and in the end, when all is said and done, it might be that which drives him away. And will be completely, irrevocably, and without question, my fault. It's all up to him, and I can't blame him, whatever the outcome.
Despite that, I am still praying. Praying and hoping that he understands, that he still sees who I am and that I never meant to hurt and him and never would again. Does the truth set you free? In a way, yes. But which way? In the way that you can look another in the eye and say without reservation, "I have nothing to hide from you!" (which is really all I've ever wanted) or in a way that quite literally, sets you free? Cuts your ties and lets you go? To be honest, that sounds more like prison to me than freedom at the moment, but I am struggling and fighting with the fact that it could very well go this way. And yes, I am shaking just thinking about it.
5 days ago