Friday, March 20, 2009

I say it's love...

Last week, I had one of those conversations that simultaneously depresses and invigorates, but regardless, makes you think. There many topics discussed, but the issue of marriage and its merits or lack thereof came up. It was noted that yes, 50% or so of marriages do fail, but what about those who stay married and just suffer through it for the sake of...whatever? And the question was asked of me, but I never really responded: Do you believe that it's possible? Are we meant to find someone and be with them, and stay with them? The odds are clearly not in my favor, but nevertheless:

Yep. I absolutely believe that it's possible. I believe it because I have to believe it. There is so, so much pain in the world. People hurting each other, people hurting themselves. I don't do this often, but every so often I will sit down and take a good, hard look at myself. The choices I've made, the people I've hurt, the people who have hurt me. There are scars on me and in me, all the result of every bad decision. Some will follow me forever, and will just never go away. Every so often I look in the mirror, with all of my flaws and fuck-ups, and wonder if I REALLY DESERVE TO BE LOVED. It sounds horrible, I know, but I do. I wonder if the wrong turns I've taken put the elusive true love out of my reach. Do I deserve it? Is it possible?

Thankfully, these thoughts are fleeting. The answer, of course, is yes. I am so far from perfect, there is so much most just don't know. There is so much one has to look past and forgive to love me, and sometimes I wonder if I were on the outside looking in, would I? Would I love me?

Again, I think, yes. Despite it all, if I can love me, forgive me, I suppose I'm not the only one. Isn't that what love is? Like a giant freakin' Band-Aid or eraser? Isn't it all we can ask for, for someone to come along and see behind your crap? Someone that surveys your baggage (or in my case a set of suitcases bulging at the seams) and says, "Can I help you carry those?" Isn't that all we need? I think so.

And yes, I believe it happens, every day. So there's that.

In other news, today is allegedly the first day of spring. To that I say, "Ha!"


♥ Kathy said...

It does happen every day hun. I was in one of those I stayed bc of the kids marriages for 21 years and then after we divorced, one day there was Tim and I swear to you it was love at first sight for both of us. He had a lot to deal with when it came to me. I have PLENTY of baggage lol true story :) Don't ever give up hope. It'll happen for you ♥

Ally said...

Oh my gosh I used to wonder the same thing. I seriously thought for a couple years that I'd never get married. But I am living proof that yes, in fact, those of us with carloads of baggage can absolutely find a man who will totally see past it all and love us for us. And we make our marriage work because we want it to work, I think there are too many people who give up too soon, hence the 50% failure rate.

Anyways, keep your head up - stuff like this always seems to happen when you least expect it anyways.