Friday, December 4, 2009

Seriously? This again?

What an irritating couple of days...How many times have I said I don't care? I'd been struggling over this fact though, regarding the ex: Why does HE get to be the one that isn't alone?

But after dinner with some friends tonight, and a long talk with another, a couple of things became clear. One, the relationship grass isn't necessarily greener. And two, who says I am the less alone? I have friends, a supportive family, and know what I want out of this life. It is my wish for him that he can say the same, but I don't know. Maybe I am the better off.

Still, why should he get away with it? Deceiving people, deceiving ME. It makes me angry that other than the absence of me in his life, he didn't miss a beat. Does he miss me? Hell if I know. So much of what he said and did turned out to be less genuine than I thought. "She's just a friend" -more untrue words were never spoken, my friends. So why should I believe "I wish things were different" and "I'm really gonna miss you?"

It just makes me angry. At me, firstly, but also at him. How unfair of him to take advantage of the way I felt. How unfair to the other person involved--did she know she was sharing all that time? What kind of lies did he tell her about me, does he still tell her? It bothers me further that he never apologized, and could always talk his way out of it, claiming that it wasn't his fault, but the situation.

For the honest record, and for my own venting purposes since it is futile to ever say these things to him, the situation was this: I met someone, and I fell in love with him. Plain and simple. I didn't care about his age, his money, where he could take me or what he could give me. We were happy together for awhile. Really happy. Happier than I've ever been, because for once someone treated me well, didn't lie, didn't cheat. But he didn't want more children, and I want to be a mom. More than anything else, that is what I want in this life. He said he wouldn't change his mind, and I wouldn't change mine. So we said goodbye, and I was miserable. I tried dating other people, he started dating other people, and as that was happening we reconnected. I missed him so much, and he missed me. We knew we couldn't stay together, so we agreed that we would see each other but break it off when the other found someone more appropriate. Basically, if he found someone who didn't want kids, or I found someone who did.

I should have known that was a bad plan. Once he was back in my life, no one else I'd been seeing mattered. I couldn't help it. I wish he would have recognized that and been less selfish. He should have just let me go. He just took advantage, and kept on dating me, kept on dating someone else. I recognize that many people don't date exclusively. But he couldn't even be honest with me about that. He downplayed every little thing. Every time his phone went off he'd claim it was an e-mail, a baseball score, or whatever. When I was with him, we were happy. I wasn't strong enough to let this person who I considered to be the best thing that ever happened to me go yet so I held on, even though every minute we were apart I was miserable, wondering what he was doing and with whom.

I just wish he would have seen what it was doing to me. I wish I would have seen what it was doing to me. It went on for months, and I always wondered if the other person knew the deal. I still don't know the answer to that question, but I hope so. He was dating someone else when he went back to me. Once I finally said enough, he continued dating that person. About 4 months in total, he and I were "back together". And for what? He knew we couldn't be together--I still want my babies. Was it just because he could? Keep one person in the dark and one person on the line? What purpose did that serve? It hurt knowing that after I told him I deserved better than this that he just continued on his merry way. It hurt more knowing that maybe the person I cared so much about wasn't as great as I thought he was. He was one of my best friends in the world when we were together, and it's now been months since I've seen or spoken to him. I miss my friend, but I'm not ready to go there with him. Too many bruises that haven't healed. Makes me sad that we had to let it get that way. I heard rumors that the woman he was dating did want kids, which made me wonder even more if he ever really cared about me, or if he was just having fun. I try not to think that way, though.

He and I got along so well--he's intelligent, witty, and fun. There was never a dull moment with us, but in a man I deserve better. I need someone who has all of those qualities and more--I don't need fancy dinners and jewelry as much as I need someone who will be faithful, loving, patient, and HONEST. Though dinner and jewelry are nice. He failed at all of those at one point or another. I deserve someone who wants me and only me. I deserve to be someone's everything, not a member of his collection. His excuse for carrying on two relationships boiled down to having never been in this situation before. It doesn't take going through it before to know the difference between right and wrong, though. He told me I set the bar so high that no one could really exceed it. He said that on his way to meet someone else, an hour after I left his house one morning. I broke up with him a week later. I said I deserved better. Better than a man willing to see, date, sleep with, and use me while he did the same with someone else. She probably deserves better too. Lord knows how long he would have let it go on, and what kind of stories he might have told me or anyone else to cover his own ass. But I had to walk away. There was simply no other choice for me.

Walking away from him was so hard, but the relief I felt when the door closed behind me was incredible. It's still a struggle not to be envious or angry (obviously) but I know I made my escape at just the right time. Maybe the anger and crap was necessary. I tell everyone that there are still parts of our relationship, many of them, that I will always remember as nothing but good. Those are what will stay with me long after the scars heal. I hope he knows that. And if there hadn't been a bad part at the end, I would have continued wasting my time. And what's the point in that? There are plenty of fish in the sea, with all of the great qualities he had, PLUS the ones that I need. That's where my focus is now. The angry moments are still there, but it's no longer my issue or my business what he does or doesn't do anymore. What he gets away with is really not my problem. I love him, I always will. But he is not the man for me, and I always knew that. Of course I wish he wouldn't have done the things he did, but that's life. You live, you learn.

Now, after a good half an hour of venting, I feel much better. Happy Friday.


♥ Kathy said...

That's very true DO live and learn. You definitely deserve better than what he was giving you. Keep your head up. Things will get easier.

Jess said...

Thanks Kathy. I think the reason the occasional bad feelings irritate me so much is because 99% of the time I feel great and things are better than I ever thought. I guess the other 1% will come in time, right? =)

♥ Kathy said...

Yes, it will come in time ♥ Your heart can't shut off just like that and no matter how strong you are, every now and then it's gonna hurt.

Jess said...

That's sucha good point...and my heart still works, so that's a plus, right? =)

bella beautiful said...

I love re-reading this/these... from a different time/different perspective.. I remember the first time(s) i read this..the emotions it evoked, reading it now.. different emotions, but emotions none the less.. I look forward to the most current emotions about this "man" you blog about and hope and pray to God almost every single minute I find my happiness! Thank You Jess! I <3 u!

Jess said...

Truly, I wrote this FOR you! Literally, I did. I never in a million years could have imagined it having this effect or things turning out the way they did, but I wouldn't have it any other way--we are so blessed! Love u!