Monday, March 15, 2010

Monday at Square One.

As far as Mondays was pretty choice.

The now ex-"boyfriend" told one lie too many last night...apparently he has trouble keeping track of the absolute crap that flies out of his mouth.

I told him that this, really, was why I was done. I couldn't keep his story straight either.

He had nothing to say for himself. Which I guess is appropriate, as I am quite out of excuses for him too. I guess that puts us on the same page. I expect he'll be on to his next victim in a week, maybe less...and good luck to her.

As for me, I'm pretty numb about the whole thing. Annoyed, all plays back in my head like a colossal waste of time. But really, it was another lesson. I needed to know, after the last really and truly horrible heartbreak, that I could get out there and date again. The fact that I chose to date the King of The Metrosexual-Bordering on Gay Douche Bags is sort of irrelevant. I went into this relationship after being so broken down and BUILT BACK UP. And now that it's over, I keep waiting for the inevitable fall, the crash. It's not coming. I'm still just as built up and strong as I was the day I met him, if not even stronger. Ladies and gents, I call that progress. Once upon a time, I would have begged and pleaded for his time and affection. If this were 2006-2009, if he asked me to reconsider, I would. Repeatedly, until I had nothing left to give to someone who never gave ME a thing.

But this is not 2006 with J***. Or 2007 with Br***. Or 2008 with J***(again) and C****. Ouch. Or God Forbid, the hardest of all, 2009--K****. How absolutely horrifying that I can define four consecutive years of my life by the men who treated me badly during those 12 months. How absolutely amazing to realize that after the first relationship "back out there", I have no plans to make this HIS year. This will be the year I make new friends, the year I start singing for God and not drunken karaoke goers (well, may sing for them here and there). This year will be a great many things--I'm praying mostly good things, but should there be some struggles I know I will be carried through those too. This could be the year I meet HIM, the one. Or this could be the year I stay completely single. But come what may, this will NOT be the year I give to the pursuit of another man who, whatever the reason, simply is not right for me.

Anyway, that got a little more emotional than expected. I know some people might object to my constant relationship talk, and wonder why I feel the need to broadcast my falling in and out of love on a regular basis. One might consider me somewhat flighty, impetuous, or just plain crazy. And you'd be right. But I believe--have always believed--that it's better to feel too much than too little. I rarely plan a post, so what you're reading is, for better or worse, exactly what's happening in my head. And if I have to think about it, I figure it's only fair to subject others to it as well, no?

Finally, after I dropped off this huuuuge Nordy's bag full of his crap at the ex's place today (just dumped it on the porch, no note. Hope nobody stole it. Okay, I'm lying, that would actually be pretty funny)I picked up the little man from school. It was a half day, so we played in the FREAKING GORGEOUS Seattle sunshine, had lunch, and went swimming. It was SEVENTY DEGREES out when we left the pool. I had my sunglasses on and the sunroof open. In my rearview mirror, the skinny 8 year old I have the privilege of nannying was shirtless, in swim trunks and rain boots, sipping a slurpee. Only in Seattle. Or maybe only in my car. Either way, I wouldn't change a thing.


♥ Kathy said...

You talk about anything you want. I'm always rooting for you!

Jess said...

Aww, thank you!!! =)

bella beautiful said...

I LOVE YOU! And that feeling that you know that you may fall but it wont BREAK you... such a good feeling.. being broken sucks.. you and I know that all too well!!!! soo looking forward to Palm Springs!

Jess said...

Love you too lady! I think you and I are all done being broken, and I love it! 9 More Days!