I have had such a...frustrating, odd week.
I don't think I've ever been so manic-depressive, tired, anxiety-ridden, depressed, or optimistic within 5 days in my life. I am loving my new job, though technically, I don't start working with students until Monday. So, I spend all day at training laughing and joking and practicing with my coworkers, and genuinely looking forward to working with the kiddos...but underneath it all, I am completely terrified. This job, this opportunity, is such a blessing for me. It can open so many doors, or at least point me in the right direction in terms of a future career. I feel like I've just been floundering for so long, waiting for something to come along that would inspire me, and here it is. That is INCREDIBLE, and I am so, so thankful. But I'm absolutely petrified that I'll screw it up. That I'll get lazy or careless and blow this chance. And it's so...silly. Silly, when I'm more than equipped, more than able to absolutely SHINE in this position. Where is my confidence?
It's been a tough week for others in my family. Life has dealt some tough, tough blows to some of the people I love most recently, and I've been feeling pretty helpless. Nothing gets to me more than watching someone I love in pain, especially when there is not a damn thing I can do about it but hold their hand. The only comfort there is knowing how, when I was down that low, them holding MY hand damn near saved my life. So that's what I'll do.
For one reason or another, I've also been struggling with the single life this week. Stressing out about everything else has literally kept me up at night, despite nightly doses of Tylenol PM (Can you become immune to that? I'll look it up). To keep my energy up, I eat crap, all day long. It could also be PMS. Or you know, pure gluttony. Either way, for the past few days, I've ended up so tired and frazzled from the ball of anxiety I've worked myself into that I just camp on the couch stuffing my face. And then I feel fat and unhealthy and disgusting, but remain single and alone, so who the f cares, right? Spiral, Spiral, Spiral. More on my thoughts on single life soon.
I'm sorry. I need a good night's sleep, sometime past 5:30am. I need my eyes to stop twitching and my back to stop hurting and my mind to stop racing. Any minute now, yes?
5 days ago