Did you ever think, "I really thought there was more to me than this?"
Somehow, lately, I've been struggling with the notion that I'm not as interesting as I always considered myself to be.
Disclaimer: This is not an attempt to fish for compliments about how interesting I am. But if you wish to send them my way, I wouldn't turn them down, either. Just sayin'.
The small group of truly kickass women that meets at my apartment every Monday night is reading through "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. They write:
"God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering."
Once upon a time, I believed that about myself. I fancied myself a force, a pillar of strength. I pictured myself making a difference, never settling for mediocrity from myself. I believed my thoughts were interesting, what I had to say mattered, that my body and my mind were, in equal measure, worth fighting for and pursuing.
And then real life (read: high school, college, and beyond) shook me out of that pretty scenario. That femininity, that "true heart" was indeed assaulted. The message sent to me was that neither my body, my mind, nor least of all, my heart, were worth consistently pursuing. Once one or all of these was won, the pursuit was over. I found myself constantly wanting to scream out, "WAIT! I have SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE!"
And now, I'm pausing to ask MYSELF, "Do I, really?" I feel burned out at work. A job for which I used to feel so much passion is feeling mundane and stressful. I feel like as hard as I try, no promotion is going to remedy that. Things I used to think I was good at, like singing, I feel just okay at now. I used to spend HOURS singing. I could lose myself in melodies, in lyrics, in the ability of my own body to produce those sounds. I used to daydream about learning an instrument and writing songs, even if the only place it ever took me was a coffee shop's open mic night. At least my voice would be heard. Now, sometimes it feels like it's not worth hearing.
Please, don't get me wrong. I still have these dreams and these desires. I'm just aching to rediscover the confidence (and perhaps find the time) to believe that they are POSSIBLE. I don't believe this world is the last stop for me, but I strongly believe I should do the very best I can to leave it better than I found it. A tall order in this day in age, but this is the only chance I get.
Also, it should be noted that there is a man in my life, who, for the first time ever, SEES me, and TREATS me, the way a real man should. It is entirely refreshing and wonderful to be told that I am safe. It is beyond wonderful that he makes it a point for me to FEEL safe. That said, past insecurity runs deep, old habits die hard, and sometimes I find it hard to trust. The doubts I feel about myself sometimes cloud my faith in HIM. Yes, I know how ridiculous and unfair that is. But it's my own security that causes me to scrutinize every word he says or move he makes. It's my fear that he'll suddenly realize it's true, I'm NOT good enough for him. I fight that fear pretty often, but it's getting better. Praying he has patience with me until it disappears.
Speaking of praying, I've done far too little of that lately. How can I expect to be healed without asking? How can I find the answer without looking for it...Speaking of the answer, the reason I need to calm down and celebrate, rather than berate ME:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. " Psalm 139:14
Or, if you prefer the non-Biblical version
"I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way" -Lady GaGa
2 weeks ago