So, the bad news is, my former Wonderful Man, is, by many accounts, turning out to be a bit less than wonderful. Maybe not as bad as some of my past winners, but certainly not as perfect as I once believed him to be. It hurts to find this out, but the good news is...
It doesn't matter. I'm free. I stood up and walked away. Sure, I cried a little, but I cry a little at A Baby Story, and commercials for the United Negro College Fund. The good news is, whatever horrible things he may have done or might still be doing, it is not my problem anymore.
I'm suddenly feeling all kinds of excited about life. When all of the anxiety I formerly carried because of him was finally lifted off of my shoulders, it was like every other aspect of my life came flying back into focus. I dropped out of school, for starters--I don't want to be a psychologist, go figure. I realized I hate my job, so I'm going to look for a new one. I lost five pounds last week! Not "I'm so depressed I can't eat" pounds, but "I'm eating healthy and exercising like a madwoman because I finally FEEL good!" pounds. I'm going to start singing a bit with a band, and recording. I also really want to write, a whole lot more. Expect to see the overflow of that on this blog--perhaps with some photos, being that the word vomit is likely going to get old.
We broke up, allegedly, because of children. He was also old, and while the sex wasn't (usually) bad, let's face it everyone--I'm a 23 year old woman. I've had better and dammit, will get better on a regular basis in the future. Word.
But back to the kid/future/epiphany thing. Everywhere I've been this week, I've been seeing and noticing the little ones, and it just keeps reinforcing to me that I was just born to be a mama. Other than Prince Charming to father them, there is nothing I want more than babies. I want them to be loud, difficult, hilarious, cute, smart, special, slightly neurotic like their mother, just plain AMAZING little human beings. I want the chaos, the mess, and every sweet little moment that comes along with them. And I want to share that whole sweet, chaotic mess with a man who loves me, who is my partner, who makes me laugh and makes me breakfast. I deserve that. Shit, we all deserve that. I've decided not to settle for less.
It's coming, I know it. And while I truly cannot wait, I am looking forward to all of the experiences that get me there. Which, let's hope, given my current account balances, includes me becoming independently wealthy.
2 weeks ago