Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I started taking Vitamin D this fall because I truly believe I suffer from S.A.D. That is, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yes, another pill to add to my daily (neurotic) regimen so I don't look out the window on days like today and say "Screw it, I'm going to watch Primetime in the Daytime on TNT all day and eat until the sun comes out"

This is a good idea, in theory, except I live in Seattle and the sun hasn't been out for more than 15 minutes in WELL over a week. And today, as well as a few days last week, I really did just sit on my couch watching ER and two episodes of Las Vegas in a row every day, before finally rolling into the shower, leaving the house just in time to pick up the little man I nanny. Oh, I also stay up too late and sleep too long.

Despite all this rest, I have been having a complete panic attack/meltdown/hypochondriac episode for the past week. I tried to blame the breakup, but I am more at peace with that than ever. So what gives? I was so convinced that I was having a heart attack last week that I didn't work out for three days in a row. The inevitable fat feeling only worsened my anxiety, and by Friday I finally had to go to the doctor and make them listen to my heartbeat, more times than necessary, for reassurance that I was not in fact dying.

Obviously, not dying. So WHAT is the problem? I think the directionless, unemployed thing is starting to get to me. So many amazing things are happening in my life. I am contentedly single, making some amazing new friends and loving the old more than ever. My family kicks more ass than ever, and I've been attending church regularly and finding my faith is growing stronger every day. But still, I wake up every morning with nothing to DO.

The answer, I think, came last week. I hesitate to even share this, because I have changed my mind on career choices so many times. I've announced that I'm going to law school, that I'm going to be a therapist, a writer, etc. I know people are secretly wondering, "What's next? Yoga instructor? Astronaut? Engineer? Sandwich artist?" And I don't blame them. I do make an excellent sandwich! Last week though, someone said to me, "Have you ever thought about nursing?"

Ummmm...no, actually, I hadn't. But now, actually, I am. Like seriously. This is the first job I've considered for myself that I can actually close my eyes and SEE. I'm keeping it rather quiet for now, but am very strongly considering it. There are other things I still want to do...like write. I really must keep writing, but that can be done anytime, anywhere. And I think I'll start breathing with a regular rhythm again once I know that I have a plan that will not only work logistically, but work for me, for my future. Fingers crossed, etc...


Chelsea Talks Smack said...

omg, you hvae no idea how much i relate- ive been wildly panicy and anxious for about a month, when i thought my anxiety had gone away....arg

Jess said...

It always shows back up when least expected. I thought my life was calming down. Ha! So nice to have someone who can relate, because parents, friends, and medical professionals alike just give me the okay, nutjob, whatever you say look, while I keep trying to convince them I could be breathing my last breath at any time.