November of 2009, that is. November 2008, as I recall, can kiss my ass.
I have a playlist on my iTunes titled, "November 2009", and it is almost creepy how well it captures that precise moment of my life. The first song is "2 Steps Away" by Patti Labelle...it's this ridiculous mix of sadness, relief, optimism and hopelessness, all belted out within 4 minutes and 24 seconds. There are worship songs, Tom Petty's "Free Fallin", and Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers" wraps it all up.
Hearing these songs I listened to simply get me through some days, and blasted in the car on the good days take me back, just like that. This is probably the single thing I love most about music. Even if just for a moment, it can take you back to right where you want to be, and right where you never wanted to go again. November can only be described for me as bittersweet. It was PAINFUL, not because I wasn't over my last relationship, but because I was learning to really and truly let it go. It was the ache that comes from finally prying your fingers away from something you held onto much too tightly, for much, much too long. It was the absolute sweetness that came from meeting Christian friends, from strengthening my faith and reprioritizing my life. Now, in February, after a falling out with one of those friends and a detour or two from the path I set in November, I find myself missing that.
And only RIGHT now, as I write this, do I understand why. November brought pain, to be sure, but SO MUCH JOY. The pains--those were GROWING pains. That was the kind of discomfort and sadness that only comes when old wounds and old doors are closed. When deep down you know that while you might stand outside those doors and knock, you will never be back there again. And to discover that that's okay--one of the best feelings in the world. To look forward, knowing your comfort zone is virtually non-existent? Better.
That's where I need to be again. That's where I ALWAYS want to strive to be.
1 week ago